hello body, catch up

I am pissed. I like to think that I am not, but I am. Today hit me like a wave pool. I totally went into the deep end and I was not expecting to rush over me like that.

Has my body not realized I am not pregnant, yet? It is one thing to be pregnant and have no control over your body. However, it is another thing to NOT be pregnant and have no control over what I can do with my body. I don't begrudge people that are pregnant. Not.At.All.

I truly am so happy people are able to enjoy the most fabulous experience - motherhood. However, I am pissed that I am having to understand what lesson is to be learned here, again. I know I don't serve a vengeful God, but really?

Were the first two miscarriages not enough? Did I not learn my lesson well enough? BTW, I still don't know what lesson that was. So, for this pregnancy, we waited until we were further along AND then - we added insult to injury?

Also, because I try my best not to tick my husband off at EVERY turn I make, I don't announce my pregnancies. I don't think people should. Well, of course, I tell my very best friends but not my family. Not other people. I get it. It is easier to me to go later and tell them I need their help than have to go and tell everyone I ever blinked at that - no, I am no longer pregnant and here are the sordid, bloody (pun, rudely intended) details.

I am pissed because I gained weight with this pregnancy and now I still have the weight gain, but no baby.

I am pissed that I am melancholy.

I know, know, know that I am so blessed. I have 2 healthy children. I know some people can't even get pregnant, thank you for that reminder, Mr. Radiologist. I know that I am getting older - 29, thank you for that reminder, Mr. OBGYN/AKA Joey - from "Full House." I have a great husband. I have a fantastic career. I have a wonderful home. I have a supportive and crazy family. I have the greatest friends money could buy - they could be bought. I get it. I know.

What I don't get? Why does this keep happening and what is the bigger story to be learned?

Tomorrow is another day and the sun will rise. . . or at least the wine cork!