Valentine's Day

1. The little one poured syrup, from our V-Day Breakfast, all over the kitchen floor. I am not sure who was in-charge, but he proved himself master of his domain.

2. They have turned my formal, beautiful dining room into their own personal baby land. They have taken all the pillows off my bed (not that they were clean, anyway) and have lined the walls with them and their babies.

3. Pierce is wearing a H-Ween Kitty shirt, it belongs to Finley. . .

4. I am going to wax something today. I am really hoping I don't seal anything closed. . .

to the cross i must go

And then He speaks. I might be easily identified as obsessed with the things I do. I just like to call it on-top of things. I can't let go of the most spirit-filled place I have ever been - FBCSA. My time at First Baptist Church SA was by far the most rewarding. I know that nothing happens independent of our Lord. . . Many years ago I sang this song with the choir and heard God clearly when I saw they would be singing it this Sunday. . . No one at that church knows the road which I am walking at this moment - I keep some things to myself and those closest here BUT He knows that I need to go, "To The Cross."

A place inside my spirit beckons from a hill,
Sometimes I choose to visit, sometimes against my will.
I take the long and sloping road while underneath a heavy load;
And driven by a prayer I go to the cross.
Whenever I resist it I am not at rest;
It hovers there inviting me to be a humble guest.
I need it daily, this I know. So, with my selfish tears in tow,
And with my fighting fears, I go to the cross.
And there I lay them down for the Savior‟s love;
Because He gave His flawless life, I take it up.
And so I will determine this cross to be my friend,
And I will bear it in my heart until my pride is dead.
Part of me will tell it "no", but Christ was there before me
So I‟ll follow faithfully and go to the cross.
When I survey the wondrous cross on which the Prince of Glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss, and pour contempt on all my pride.

hello body, catch up

I am pissed. I like to think that I am not, but I am. Today hit me like a wave pool. I totally went into the deep end and I was not expecting to rush over me like that.

Has my body not realized I am not pregnant, yet? It is one thing to be pregnant and have no control over your body. However, it is another thing to NOT be pregnant and have no control over what I can do with my body. I don't begrudge people that are pregnant. Not.At.All.

I truly am so happy people are able to enjoy the most fabulous experience - motherhood. However, I am pissed that I am having to understand what lesson is to be learned here, again. I know I don't serve a vengeful God, but really?

Were the first two miscarriages not enough? Did I not learn my lesson well enough? BTW, I still don't know what lesson that was. So, for this pregnancy, we waited until we were further along AND then - we added insult to injury?

Also, because I try my best not to tick my husband off at EVERY turn I make, I don't announce my pregnancies. I don't think people should. Well, of course, I tell my very best friends but not my family. Not other people. I get it. It is easier to me to go later and tell them I need their help than have to go and tell everyone I ever blinked at that - no, I am no longer pregnant and here are the sordid, bloody (pun, rudely intended) details.

I am pissed because I gained weight with this pregnancy and now I still have the weight gain, but no baby.

I am pissed that I am melancholy.

I know, know, know that I am so blessed. I have 2 healthy children. I know some people can't even get pregnant, thank you for that reminder, Mr. Radiologist. I know that I am getting older - 29, thank you for that reminder, Mr. OBGYN/AKA Joey - from "Full House." I have a great husband. I have a fantastic career. I have a wonderful home. I have a supportive and crazy family. I have the greatest friends money could buy - they could be bought. I get it. I know.

What I don't get? Why does this keep happening and what is the bigger story to be learned?

Tomorrow is another day and the sun will rise. . . or at least the wine cork!